Explore the Hidden Perks of Bargaining with Your Offspring: Insights from a Master Negotiator

Modern Family Tussles: Mastering the Art of Negotiation with Your Kids

Explore the Hidden Perks of Bargaining with Your Offspring: Insights from a Master Negotiator

In these tight-knit family times, we're seeing more togetherness-and arguably, more friction and disagreements than usual. Rutgers Business School professor Terri R. Kurtzberg and Baruch College professor Mary C. Kern in their new book, Negotiating at Home: Essential Steps for Reaching Agreement with Your Kids (Praeger, 2020), demonstrate how parents can apply negotiation skills to reach better outcomes-and relationships-with their children. Here, Kurtzberg shares some of these insights.

Learn the Art of Negotiation: It's a Must!

So, why should we negotiate with our children? Well, "Because I said so" won't always cut it. Kids will tune you out eventually, and you can't force them to do anything. Instead, take their perspective into account to gain their buy-in. Negotiation isn't just about conceding; it's about understanding and listening. View it as a problem-solving tool, which will improve your relationship, communication, and teach them a valuable life skill. As they grow, they'll need to know how to express themselves, listen to others, and come up with creative solutions to problems.

During the pandemic, older kids' socializing can pose health risks for the entire family. How should parents handle negotiations over social distancing, quarantining, etc., with teens and young adults living at home? It's all about finding a balance. Health and safety usually come first when it's time to say "Because I said so." However, if you can't monitor behavior, edicts may backfire, especially with teens. In such cases, trying to figure out what they need to gain their compliance becomes crucial. You might say, "These are the constraints we feel we need, but we understand you have to have some level of social interaction." They'll hopefully come to understand that when they respect what you're comfortable with, you'll become more willing to trust them to behave responsibly.

When Parents Aren't on the Same Page: Teamwork Makes the Dream Work

How do parents negotiate with their kids when one is generally more lenient than the other? Use the differences to your advantage by making joint decisions about when each style is appropriate. At the same time, avoid having one parent always be the default soft or disciplinarian one. Switching up the roles can be beneficial for everyone while giving you more credibility by showing that you've thought things through.

Text Negotiations: A Mixed Bag

Is negotiating via text a good idea, bad idea, or does it depend? It depends. On the downside, texting strips away many useful communication signals, increasing the chance of misunderstanding. On the upside, it can open conversations that would be awkward or difficult, add a little distance to an emotional situation, or help engage older kids who shut down during difficult conversations. Use texting selectively, though, and be aware that different generations may interpret texts in different ways.

Common Parental Negotiation Mistakes and How to Overcome Them

The biggest mistake parents make in negotiations with their kids (and most people in general) is a failure to plan. Planning doesn't need to be a long, laborious process; it includes examining your "Why?" and your child's. What are you actually trying to accomplish, and how might that goal be met in different ways? Sometimes we find ourselves dug in on the first thing we decided without considering other options. It also means understanding your child's perspective-thinking through where they're coming from, what's behind their stubbornness or need, and what you expect to hear. Ask them questions like, "What do you hope to accomplish in this situation? Why is this important to you? What might be different ways you hope to accomplish your goal?" By doing so, you may find that their actual motivations surprise you.

The Keys to Navigating Conflicts
Should Benevolent Deception Be Acceptable in Negotiation?
Handling Negotiation Under Pressure
The 3 Types of Power in Negotiation
Personality and Negotiation: How Important Is It?

and remember:

Ways to Communicate Effectively with Your Kids:

Keep Calm and Manage Emotions
Validate Feelings
Offer Limited Choices
Use Nonviolent Communication
Pre-teach and Co-regulate Emotions
Encourage Problem-Solving
Maintain Open Communication
Set Clear Boundaries

Implementing these strategies will help create a more harmonious home environment where conflicts are managed effectively and respectfully. Mastering the art of negotiation with your kids will lead to stronger relationships, effective problem-solving, and valuable lessons for your children as they grow.

To foster strong relationships and effective problem-solving with children, apply negotiation skills that consider their perspective, view it as a problem-solving tool, and teach them valuable life skills.
In managing social distancing with older kids, strive for balance, acknowledge their need for social interaction, and encourage them to respect boundaries for a healthier family.
When parents disagree on parenting styles, make joint decisions, avoid default roles, and switch up responsibilities to promote teamwork and credibility.
Navigate text negotiations selectively, be aware of potential misunderstandings, and use them to engage older kids or handle emotional situations.
To avoid common negotiation mistakes, plan by examining 'Whys', understanding children's perspectives, and considering multiple solutions, which can reveal unexpected motivations.
In navigating conflicts, employ effective communication strategies such as keeping calm, validating feelings, offering choices, using nonviolent communication, pre-teaching emotions, encouraging problem-solving, maintaining open communication, and setting clear boundaries.

Additionally, explore related topics like handling negotiation under pressure, types of power in negotiation, personality and negotiation, and benevolent deception in negotiations to develop negotiation skills further.